What Does "Honour Your Father and Mother" Mean for Adults?

A Commandment for Life

Most people learn “Honour your father and mother” as children, and they hear it mainly as a command to obey. Do what your parents say, help around the house, do not answer back. It can seem like a commandment that we grow out of once we leave home.

But the fourth commandment is not only for children. It is the first commandment about our duties to other people, and it applies throughout our lives. What changes as we grow up is not whether we honour our parents, but how (CCC 2197–2257).

Why This Commandment Comes First

The first three commandments concern our relationship with God. The fourth begins the commandments about our neighbour, and it starts with the family. This is deliberate. The family is where we first receive life, love and faith. It is the basic cell of society. How we treat our parents shapes how we treat everyone else.

It is also the only one of the Ten Commandments that comes with a promise: “Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Exodus 20:12). St Paul repeats it: “This is the first commandment with a promise” (Ephesians 6:2).

For Children: Obedience

While children are young and living at home, honouring parents includes obedience. Parents have a responsibility to raise, guide and protect their children, and children should obey them in everything that is for their good (CCC 2216–2217). “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1).

This obedience is not blind. A child should never obey a command to do something morally wrong. But in the ordinary business of family life, children are asked to trust their parents and follow their guidance.

For Adults: Respect

When children grow up and become independent, the duty of obedience ends. An adult is responsible for their own decisions. Parents can offer advice, and wise adult children will listen to it, but they are no longer bound to follow it.

What does not end is the duty of respect. The Catechism teaches that respect for parents — what it calls filial piety — derives from gratitude towards those who gave us life and, through their love and work, helped us grow (CCC 2215). This lasts as long as our parents live, and beyond.

Respect shows itself in how we speak to and about our parents, how we listen to them, and how we treat them, even when we disagree.

Gratitude

Honouring our parents also means being grateful. Whatever their faults, they gave us life, and most gave years of care, work and sacrifice to raise us. “With your whole heart honour your father, and do not forget the birth pangs of your mother. Remember that through your parents you were born; and what can you give back to them that equals their gift to you?” (Sirach 7:27–28).

Gratitude does not require pretending our parents were perfect. It means recognising what we received and being thankful for it.

Care in Old Age

As parents grow older, the roles often reverse. The children who were once cared for become the carers. The Church teaches that adult children have a real duty to support their parents in old age, sickness, loneliness and distress, as far as they are able — materially and emotionally (CCC 2218).

“O son, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance” (Sirach 3:12–13).

This can be demanding. It may mean visits, phone calls, practical help, financial support, or arranging proper care when needs become greater than a family can meet at home. The commandment does not require any one particular arrangement. It requires that we do not abandon our parents, and that we care for them with love.

Jesus Himself, dying on the Cross, made sure His mother would be looked after, entrusting her to St John (John 19:26–27).

When Following God Comes First

Honouring parents never means placing them above God. Adult children have the right and the duty to choose their own vocation and their own state of life — including whom to marry, or whether to enter the priesthood or religious life. Parents should respect this and not pressure their children against their conscience (CCC 2232–2233).

Jesus said, “He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). Following Christ sometimes means making choices our parents do not understand. This can be painful, but it is not dishonouring them.

When Parents Are Difficult

Not every family is a happy one. Some parents are difficult, distant or hurtful. Some have caused serious harm. What does the fourth commandment ask in these cases?

Honouring a parent does not mean approving of everything they have done, pretending wrongs did not happen, or putting yourself or your children in danger. Where a parent has been abusive, keeping safe distance can be entirely right. The commandment does not require anyone to accept abuse.

What it does ask, as far as possible, is that we do not respond with hatred, that we pray for our parents, and that we work — often slowly — towards forgiveness. Forgiveness does not erase the past or require pretending all is well. It means letting go of the desire for revenge and leaving judgement to God. This can take a long time, and it is often best done with the help of a priest or counsellor.

The Other Side: Parents’ Duties

The fourth commandment also speaks to parents. The Catechism describes their responsibilities: to love their children, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to educate them in faith and virtue, and to respect them as persons (CCC 2221–2231). St Paul adds a warning: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger” (Ephesians 6:4).

Honour flows more naturally in families where love is mutual.

Beyond the Family

The Church also extends the fourth commandment to all legitimate authority — teachers, employers, civil leaders — and to our duties as citizens. Just as children honour parents, members of society owe respect and cooperation to those who serve the common good, and those in authority owe service in return (CCC 2234–2246).

A Lifelong Gift

Honouring our parents is not a burden that ends at eighteen. It is a lifelong way of saying thank you for the gift of life. In honouring them, we honour the God from whom all fatherhood and motherhood comes. And in caring for them as they age, we learn something of the patient, faithful love that God shows to each of us.

For an overview of all ten, see What Does the Church Teach About the Ten Commandments?