How Do I Find a Spiritual Director, and What Happens in Spiritual Direction?

Why a Guide Helps

Imagine trying to learn to climb mountains entirely from books, never going out with an experienced climber. You might manage, but you would make many avoidable mistakes, and some of them could be dangerous.

The spiritual life is similar. We are not good judges of ourselves. We overestimate some things and miss others. We confuse feelings with reality, and our own wishes with God’s will. That is why, for centuries, the Church has encouraged Christians who want to grow in prayer and holiness to seek a spiritual director: an experienced companion who helps them recognise how God is working in their life.

St Francis de Sales put it bluntly: anyone who wants to make real progress on the road of devotion should find a good guide.

What Spiritual Direction Is

Spiritual direction is a regular conversation, usually monthly, in which you talk with your director about your relationship with God: your prayer, your struggles and temptations, the movements of your heart, the decisions you face, and how you sense God leading you.

The director listens, asks questions, offers perspective, and sometimes suggests practices or reading. Above all, a good director helps you notice what God is already doing.

The true director, the tradition insists, is the Holy Spirit. The human director is a helper who points to Him.

What It Is Not

Spiritual direction is easily confused with other things.

It is not confession. Your director may be a priest who also hears your confession, but direction is a separate conversation. Many people have a confessor and a director who are different people. If your director is a priest, you may ask him to hear your confession at the end of a session, but you do not have to.

It is not counselling or therapy. A director is not trained to treat depression, anxiety, trauma or addiction. If these are part of your life, you may need professional help as well. A good director will recognise this and encourage you to get it.

It is not being told what to do. A director does not make your decisions for you. The word “director” can be misleading. Think of a mountain guide, not a manager.

It is not only for the very holy. Spiritual direction is for anyone who wants to take their relationship with God seriously, including beginners.

Who Can Be a Director?

Traditionally, spiritual directors were usually priests. Today, many religious sisters and brothers and trained lay people also serve as directors. What matters most is not their state of life but that they are:

faithful to the Church’s teaching;
prayerful themselves, with experience of the spiritual life;
wise and discreet, able to listen and keep confidences;
ideally, trained in spiritual direction.

St Teresa of Ávila said she would rather have a learned director than a merely pious one, if she had to choose. Best of all is someone who is both.

How to Find One

Finding a director can take some effort. Some places to start:

Ask a priest you trust. He may offer direction himself or know someone who does.
Ask your diocese. Many dioceses keep a list of spiritual directors or run formation programmes for them.
Contact a religious community. Jesuits, Carmelites, Dominicans, Benedictines and many congregations of sisters offer direction, and retreat houses often have directors available.
Ask other Catholics whose spiritual lives you respect who they see.

When you approach someone, say simply: “I’m looking for a spiritual director. Would you be able to meet with me, or recommend someone?”

The First Meeting

The first meeting is usually a chance to get to know each other and see whether it is a good fit. You might talk about your background, your current prayer life, why you are seeking direction, and what you hope for. The director may tell you how they work.

It is perfectly acceptable for either of you to decide it is not the right match. Not every good director suits every person.

A Typical Session

Sessions often last about an hour, roughly once a month. They might begin and end with a short prayer. In between, you talk. Some helpful things to bring:

How your prayer has been since you last met: what helped, what was dry.
Moments when you sensed God’s presence or felt far from Him.
Temptations or sins that keep recurring.
Decisions you are facing.
Questions about the faith or your vocation.

Many people find it helpful to jot a few notes beforehand. It is your time; you set the agenda.

Should I Pay?

Practice varies. Priests and many religious usually do not charge, though an offering is often appreciated. Some lay directors who do this as their work ask for a fee or suggest a donation. It is fine to ask about this at the start.

If You Cannot Find a Director

Good spiritual directors can be scarce. If you cannot find one, do not give up on growing. Some alternatives:

Regular confession with the same priest can provide a good deal of guidance.
Spiritual reading of the saints and spiritual classics can serve as a kind of direction. St Francis de Sales’ Introduction to the Devout Life was written precisely as direction for a laywoman.
A retreat with an opportunity to talk to a director can be a good start.
Pray for a director. Many people say that when they asked God for a guide, one came along.

Is It Worth It?

Spiritual direction asks for honesty and commitment. But people who have had a good director often say it changed their lives. It brings clarity, encouragement, accountability, and the reassurance that you are not walking the path alone.